


Jumping Ship

by ButterflyGhost



Series: City on a Hill [5]
Category: Blake's 7, Zombies Run!
Genre: (They are both British shows - it's spelled 'humour' dammit.), Characters aware they are in fanfiction, Crack, F/M, Gender-Neutral Runner Five, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 12:12:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15606012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButterflyGhost/pseuds/ButterflyGhost
Summary: The Author is at it again. Five is uncomfortable - Janine and Sam not so much.





	Jumping Ship

“This thing is ridiculous.” Janine’s face was tight and her lips thin. She was flushed, possibly with anger or embarrassment, maybe both. It could equally well have been a result of the tightness and constriction of the... Apparel. Five wasn’t sure what else to call it. “I don’t know who to blame for this... this atrocity against fashion. It’s either the Author or Amelia. They both need to avoid me or -” she glared at her feet. “Or I’ll stab them to death with these steel capped stilettos.”

 

 _Yeah,_ Five thought. _They really are... something else._ The black leather catsuit, the outlandishly sharp shoulder pads and the studded stiletto boots were bad enough, but the eyepatch was just...

 

Well, it could be worse. At least the eyepatch was covering an eye, not the area the Author had been thinking of in the first draft. Five shuddered. Thank goodness Janine’s meta-memory was poor. It led to some inconsistencies in the actual app, but nothing too serious. Besides, running Abel gave Janine enough to worry about, without the Author’s bizarre subconscious making matters worse. Five blinked at the Apparel again. _So, so much worse..._

 

Well, at least Sam appeared happy enough with things. Five didn’t know if he remembered the first draft, but he certainly seemed to be enjoying this one. He looked Janine up and down, his expression impressed and more than a little bit nervous. He was also licking his lips. “Uhm, I don't think it's ridiculous,” he said. “That Servalan look really suits you.”

 

“Servalan?” Janine’s voice was dry and Sam cringed a little.

 

“Uh, yes. Blake Seven.”

 

“I am aware of the show, Mr Yao.”

 

Well, that was bad. Very bad. The Author had clearly lost her mind. Again. The chances of Janine knowing about Blake Seven were about as high as Five finally growing a pair. A pair of boobs or bollox would be nice. Or a canon reason for neither. Really, at this point, Five didn’t care. It would just be a relief to know how to go about peeing. Five hadn't been able to pee in six and a half years.

 

“You've watched Blake Seven?” Sam brightened. “That’s cool - we could have a rewatch - we could -”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh.” Sam looked crestfallen.

 

“On the other hand...”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I find a healthy amount of role play is good for one’s mental health.”

 

 _Waffu..? What?_ Okay, the Author was clearly off her meds. Or on crack. Or both.

 

“Excuse me?” Sam seemed as confused as Five felt. He didn’t seem to have the impending sense of dread though. In fact, he seemed rather hopeful.

 

“You heard me.” Janine looked at Sam speculatively. “It may be casting against type, but I’d like you to...” she licked her lips (good grief, didn’t the Author have any other sexually charged body language ideas in her lexicon than lip licking? Surely people would get chafed, eventually.) “...shall we say ‘audition’? Yes. Mr Yao, I want you to _audition_ for Avon.”

 

“Avon?” A slow smile spread on Sam’s face.

 

Janine looked scornful. “Try to inject a little sarcasm into that smile.”

 

Sam stood straighter and tilted his head in a cocky, un-Samlike angle. He raised an eyebrow and allowed a slight sneer to cross his face.

 

“Yes, like that, Mr Yao.”

 

“The name's Avon.” Okay, Sam was good at voices, but that was quite unnerving. He sounded exactly like Paul Darrow. It was bad enough when Paul Darrow did that voice, from Sam it was...

 

 _Okay. Dammit. Sexy._ Five had to get out of here before that voice coming from Sam did things to Five’s non-existent sex drive that... Five really didn’t want done. Or maybe did. It was hard to tell when the Author was so unfocused on character development.

 

She was definitely focussed on something though. Five’s mouth was going dry with the pheromones.

 

Janine drew herself to her full haughty height and looked down her nose at Sam (which took some doing, since Sam was actually taller than her, even in her terrifying stilettos, and even more so now that he’d grown platform heels to go with the Avon outfit.) “You may refer to me as Your Supreme Majesty.” Okay, so Janine had got her line wrong, and she didn’t sound much like Servalan - or no more so than usual. She did sound like a Supreme Majesty though. Five resisted the urge to curtsey, or bow, or - damn being ungendered anyway. Proffer obeisance of some kind. Supreme Majesty though... oh yes, Five could go with that. Janine/Servalan was pretty damn regal. _Did I just lick my lips?_ Five started backing away.

 

“Oh, I don’t think I’ll be calling you that,” Sam scoffed, in what was still a fantastic impersonation of Avon (not that Five had watched Blake Seven five times through, or anything tragically nerdy like that.) “I rather think it might be the other way around.”

 

Janine/Servalan opened her mouth to issue a haughty rebuttal, but as a Seventies female had no recourse against macho posturing or aridly sarcastic psychopaths. Even though she was one herself. Sam strode up to her and manfully grabbed her by the waist before pulling her in for a truly astonishing kiss. The Author was nothing if not predictable. Even so, for an inevitable development, it was still riveting viewing. To Five’s mind, it had always been a risky business when Servalan and Avon kissed, for both parties. You had to keep watching because at some point one of them was bound to finish the experiment by eating the other and laying eggs in their hollowed out torso.

 

 _Why am I watching this? I don't even ship Avon/Servalan._  Five tutted. This was bad writing. Avon would have been better if they'd left him asexual, and besides, it should have been Servalan/Blake all the way. Would have been if the actor hadn't left.

 

On the other hand, Sam was really going for it. Damn, that was hot. Maybe Five could jump ship on this one...

 

Oh dear. That jumpsuit was far too tight. Surely it hadn't been that tight in the first paragraph? Had Janine grown a cup size with all the excitement? Whatever the reason, a seam tore a little in a place that Janine would usually find embarrassing. And... Oh good God. No. Was that a _nipple?_

 

Five flushed and continued to shuffle backwards, trying not to look. Unfortunately, it was impossible not to. That was an actual nipple. Five had to get out of here before the purple prose really kicked in. _Look away, Five. Get out before you get roped into the sex scene..._ Five’s non-existent sexual parts were tingling. It was most peculiar. As was the fact that Janine’s clothing was getting skimpier and tighter by the moment, and her breasts really _were_ getting bigger and perkier. Even more surprisingly, judging by the sound effects, Janine didn’t seem to mind. At all. As for Sam, he _really_ didn’t mind... Five made the mistake of glancing down. Oh hell. Sam seemed to be ‘growing’ too.

 

“Uhm, guys...” Five started edging furtively toward the circular spaceport, which had chosen to appear at just that moment. Maybe it was the gateway to freedom. Maybe it was an airlock. Maybe Five weighed 73 kilos. It was a thought. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was that it was a way out. “I think I have to go now...”

 

Sam/Avon and Janine/Servalan didn't notice as Five escaped from the increasingly torrid sex scene. The Author thought about it and let Five go.

 

This time.


End file.
